What if my best isn’t good enough?
What if I work as hard as I can, and I still fall short of my goals?
What if, no matter how much I care, how many years I toil, or how many sacrifices I make, my dream still remains out of reach?
What if I find the courage to wipe away my tears and climb back in the saddle after every failure, and in the end, it’s all for nothing?
What if this dream that I want so much it hurts…just isn’t meant for me?
Welcome to the inner workings of an unquiet mind–cute, right?
And this is a good day.
On the truly bad days, I come within inches of pulling the plug on this dream of mine.
Within inches of throwing my hands up and saying “You win, Universe! I clearly don’t want it bad enough.”
But I wouldn’t stop there.
No, I wouldn’t take the high road. I wouldn’t take responsibility for my shortcomings or consider whether I was, truly and honestly, giving it my all.
Not in that moment of anguish, deeply rooted in my pain body, identifying with my persona as “The Failed Entrepreneur.”
My ego wouldn’t let me. So I’d play the blame game instead.
“Either that,” I’d say, still looking toward the heavens, a clenched and defeated fist raised to the sky, “or you just didn’t want me to have it.”
I’d know full well that it wasn’t the fault of the Universe. That there was no divine conspiracy against me, no higher being watching me from the edge of their seat, snacking on popcorn, eagerly waiting for me to fail.
But it would still sting, and in the midst of that pain, the last thing I’d consider would be piling on more pain by admitting that, all along, my success or failure had depended entirely upon me.
So far, though, I haven’t been pushed to that point.
The Universe IS testing me, day in and day out. But I don’t believe it really wants me to fail.
It just wants me to prove how badly I really want a life of gainful self-employment and entrepreneurship; to prove that I’ll do whatever it takes–for as long as it takes–to achieve it.
And the good news is, I do believe, truly and wholeheartedly, that my best is good enough. That I have what it takes to stay the course and do the thing and crush the goals.
I have the drive, and I have the passion.
The question that remains, then, is: Do I have thick enough skin?
Can I withstand the Universe’s tests long enough–for as long as it takes–to get where I want to go?
My ego tells me I should be outraged that I haven’t already arrived.
My ego wants me to look at that other entrepreneur and feel ashamed at how much less I’ve achieved by comparison.
My ego is easily bruised, its buttons easily pushed.
And the Universe is privy to this–it knows that the ego is my biggest obstacle.
Which leaves only one real solution: Tell my ego to sit down and shut the f*ck up.
If I’m truly working as hard as I can…
If I’m truly giving my very best every single day…
And if I truly believe that my best IS good enough…
Then all I have to do is persevere.
The tests from the Universe will come. My ego will cry and scream and kick and protest and tell me I deserve to be outraged.
And every day, first thing in the morning, I will calmly and firmly tell my ego that it’s none of her goddamn business.
Then I’ll pour myself a cup of coffee and get to work.
