There hasn’t been such a bittersweet Valentine’s Day for me in recent memory–plenty of bitter ones; the sweet ones have been fewer and farther between–but bitter AND sweet all wrapped up into one?
Now that’s a special kind of torture.
Much to my chagrin, I’ll be leaving Sweden in just three short days.
Much to my delight, I will be flying directly to Seattle.
The concept of home is a foreign one to me these days, but at present these two places–Sweden and Washington–are pulling me equally and oppositely. I want very much to give more time and attention to this new approximation of home, yet at the same time, I can’t wait to get home to the people I know and love so well.
If we really want to throw a monkey wrench into this whole process of discovering home, then consider the fact that I also want very much to continue discovering new and yet unfamiliar parts of the world.
My heart wants Sweden. My heart wants the United States. My heart wants travel.
The heart wants what the heart wants.
But how?
In three short days, I’ll be boarding a flight to the US.
In three short days, I’m saying goodbye to the city I’ve worked hard to feel at home in through the harsh Scandinavian winter; I’d be lying to say I hadn’t succeeded in this.
The problem is, three short days are just that–short.
And so how do I give the heart what it wants, knowing full well it will continue to want things in spite of me?
The answer, as with most things in life, is compromise.
My ambition is to give the heart what it wants in equal parts; time in Sweden when I can spend time in Sweden (pending the immigration officers’ approval, of course), time in Washington when I need to be in Washington, and time on the road filling in the cracks.
It’s not a perfect system and I’m sure things will change. Plans will go awry, I’ll fail to do things I planned and instead do things I never intended; this is generally how my life works, and I don’t expect that to change anytime soon, regardless of my intentions.
But at the very least, I have intentions.
I have the desire to give the heart what it wants while still giving my mind and body the rest they need.
Compromise.
Until the heart sees things a little more clearly, I have no other choice.
But there is one message that the heart is sending me loud and clear–at the end of the day, the presence of people I love is what truly constitutes home.
Far more than it wants a place, the heart wants other people. The heart wants comfort and familiarity. The heart wants to be felt and understood; it wants requited love.
The heart wants what the heart wants.
Happy Valentine’s Day, from my heart to yours.
